Ah, the bane of every writer and aspiring writer… the blank page. Sometimes it helps to write a few sentences about how hard it is to get started on a story. Most of the time when I start writing, I start in the middle of my tale and then flesh it out in all directions. I do a great stream-of-consciousness thing. It works really well in conversations, but it really gets confusing when a story is written that way. I’ve been told that some of my stories are quite good. I don’t know about all that, I just like writing them. There have been several of which I was quite fond, and now I wish I had saved them, printed them out of something. It’s been several years since I saw them. They disappeared when Yahoo360 ended.
I also wish I could tell the story of my life without sounding like a narcissistic whiner. There’s my problem… how to tell the tragic tale in an impartial way? I didn’t have a good support system as a child, mostly got laughed at whenever I tried to do just about anything. Older brothers are like that, you know. Defend you to the death against anyone else, but brutal to a sensitive young girl’s self esteem.
I used to try hard to fit in, to be accepted, to gain approval. I changed who I was to please the people in my life on a regular basis. Of course it didn’t work. You can only hold the charade for so long before you start to chafe at the restrictions. Over and over I got the message that in order to find the people who can love the real you, you have to be willing to put the real you out on display. Risk having people hurt you with a lack of caring or even an active disliking of you. Sooner or later, your true friends will make themselves known; those who resonate with your truth will be drawn to the authentic you, provided you take the risk and expose your vulnerable bits.
Most people didn’t care enough to try to understand. That’s ok. I need more social interaction than the average person. I’m a “7th House Sun” person. For those of you who don’t understand astrology, that’s Sun: integral part of your personality in the House that has to do with partnerships. I do best when I have a cohort. I know this. Astrology has helped me understand so much about myself that was confusing. I won’t bore you with more details on my astrological profile just yet. I just needed to put it out there. I need people. I need people to understand me. I don’t care so much anymore whether people like me. I’ve gotten past that. 7th House is also about open enemies. In order for someone to dislike me, they have to interact with me to a small degree. Even avoiding me is a cooperative act. I find some comfort in someone going out of their way to avoid speaking to me. I guess the saying is true: any attention is good attention.
Some people are only in your life for a short while. I don’t get out much, being on a limited income as I am. Most of the people I meet are met during the course of my workday. Coworkers are friends, but most of the time if you leave the job or they do, the friendship fades. Without the daily reinforcement of interaction, people forget. They get busy with other things, and don’t make maintaining a friendship a priority. I try. I used to turn myself inside out to try and hold onto friendships that were no longer being nourished. I learned the hard way that friendships only last if both parties are willing to take the time to nourish them and maintain them.
I had formed a few close bonds with some coworkers in my last job. We were part of a team that helped meet the needs of an intellectually challenged young man. When I left the job, I tried to maintain the friendships we had formed. Of course it didn’t work. I am sad it didn’t work, but not surprised. I haven’t lost touch with my two friends, but we don’t see each other any more. There’s the occasional comment of Facebook, but aside from that, it’s pretty much over. I’ve stopped calling them, stopped trying to find a mutually convenient time for us to get together. I can’t do it alone. There needs to be two people in a friendship. One isn’t enough.
So, what now? I suppose I could try hitting the pubs after work, but if there isn’t karaoke involved it’s really boring sitting alone with a beer. Actually it’s pathetic. Old woman sitting alone in a bar drinking her sorrows away. I suppose I could try to find the local SCA group and try to make some friends there, but my heart isn’t in it anymore. I love the art and history and learning about different cultures that the SCA affords, but I guess I’m a little intimidated by the group… this is called the land of the tin-hats (people who have received many awards for service to the group, are awarded the title of baron or baroness and get to wear special headgear to note their “importance” and are sometimes rather arrogant about it). They forget it’s really just a game.
I don’t really fit in here. I can’t afford to move, and even if I could afford it, I don’t know where I would fit in. For the time being, I suppose I need to just take it one step at a time… do my chores, work, try to find some meaning to make life worth living. Thankfully I have a rich fantasy life to keep me going when reality is too boring to bear.
Speaking of chores, the back field needs mowing before it gets so deep we lose the dog in it. This should be the perfect time to mow. The dew should be dried by now, and it isn’t yet too hot to be outside in the sun, and the moon just entered Virgo, which is a barren sign, good for getting rid of things, and it’s in the fourth quarter. Excellent time for cultivating, mowing to decrease growth and dealing with pests.
On that note, I bid you adieu.